This past weekend I got called out on an emergency run to deliver some goat kids (this is not uncommon for Beth or I at this time of year).
In as much as you may be saying “oooh how exciting!!” I found myself dreading this event as I ran toward the truck. In raising animals for the past 18yrs and taking an active part in delivering them for the past 9, I have seen my share of these little creatures coming into this world as well as my share of seeing them leave it.
You would think that it might get easier to ‘loose’ a life as time passes for I may possibly be finding out how to deal with it better and by now it could/would have become a ‘normal’ part of life (which it is).
But, its rather on the contraire for in-as-much as it is a common part of life, it seems to be getting harder to see something leave this world. Now here, you may be temped to say “Oh what an overly emotional female! Always putting her feelings into something that she has to “boohoo” every time something dies!”. However, in my own defense, God created us women to be rather feeling, nurturing and caring beings and it is quite human to feel sadness when something dies. Not to mention the fact that God has placed us here to shepherd these flocks and to care for them. (Prov 12:10 A righteous man regards the life of his animal,) So, I desire to be responsible in caring for their lives. Also, I fully recognize that it is God that gives and takes away everything on this earth and He has a reason for everything.
I think that it is here, in my humanness that I have trouble seeing why He does, what He does, when He does it. But, it is not my place to question the sovereignty of God and it is (more often than not), not meant for me to know those details, but just for me to trust in Him.
So, that being said, I shall continue on with my story.
Having gone through many nightmarish deliveries last kidding season and loosing one to many does and kids, I have been rather dreading this kidding season. All the memories of seeing the life slip away from eyes of countless newborn kid that died from kidding complications were fresh in my mind along with the memories of seeing their Mom’s die after tying so hard to bring their kids into this world.
It’s a hard battle that my mind, heart and soul fight together. For on the one hand, I know, that I know, that I know that God is in control and if it is meant for them to die, then they will flat out die no matter what I do to save them. But on the other hand, one cannot help but feel completely responsible when I loose one for it really does feel that I lost them!
So, I drove on completely lost in prayer as I made my way to the farm that had called for help. From the details given in the call, I knew that I had my work cut out for me and that this was not going to be an easy delivery. This was proved true when upon arrival and during the internal examination, I found a rather large kid miss-represented. Many things then took place and I was running out of time to save the kid and we were reaching the point where the doe was not looking to bright either.
I knew that Beth was on her way as a ’back-up’ so that thought was of comfort to me. At that time, there was not another kid present that I could push this one back in and go for another so I was really running out of options when I finally got its nose up on its knees and begin to pull yet once again. We were just about to enter the point of no return and I felt sure that I would finally be able to get this baby out when it jerked its head out of my grip and I was back to square one. Beth was almost there so I decided to let the doe rest a bit and let Beth have a go at things with her fresh strength.
Beth encountered the same problems but by then there was another kid present that she was able to push the first one back in and go for the second. I’ll spare you the rest of the gory details and wrap this up with the facts that we were not able to save any of the triplets that were born. The doe will be fine but the loss of all three kids did not come too lightly.
All the ‘hidden’ emotions of past losses started to come forth and I was lost in a sea of grief and sadness. On the way home I started to kick myself for loosing them but I was quickly reminded that it is the Lord that gives and takes and I started to calm down. Still, when I reached home I found myself washing the blood off me with the dish scrubber in such a vigorous action that I am surprised that I still have some skin left! My blood stained clothes were quickly removed and I could not shake off the urge to take a shower with a Brillo pad.
In my devotions that evening I happened to be reading in Matthew 10 when the verses 29-31 really stood out to me. (“Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”)
That night I spent a good chunk of time writing in my journal and taking notes on that entire chapter. Being reminded of how He is in control of everything was refreshing. It was also an encouragement to be reminded and see how providence extends to all creatures, even to the sparrows.
My parents had just returned from a wonderful couples retreat that evening and we had much to catch-up on together. So, I was not able to spend as much time in this passage of scripture as I desired to and all my unfinished thoughts were still flying about the next morning.
That morning as we were just about to go out the door to Church, Mom’s little dog got attacked by the neighbor’s dogs. At that time things looked pretty grim for the little fellow. He was given what medical help that he could have and we left him to rest.
As I’m driving to Church all of this ‘sparrow stuff’ was burning on my mind. The song ‘His Eye is on the Sparrow’ was mulling around in my (sometimes rather empty) scull. Then I got lost thinking about the little doggy who was ailing at home. As I got lost in thought I felt as if someone kept trying to tell me
“Dawn! It’s OK :) It will all be fine, you are doing all that you need to do, just trust, trust Me and all will be ok. Just let it all go, and TRUST Me”.
I took a deep breath and gave it all up to my Father realizing that I should not have been holding onto anything in the first place for it is not mine to hold.
Just then a flock of sparrows flew up and the very last one hit the windshield right in front of me. Me oh my! What a feeling of God being so totally in control of everything! That verse about the sparrow was on my mind and then “wham!” He just took one right then and there! How little I felt in those few short moments that followed.
Somewhere along the way I had developed this silly fear, a fear of loosing. Loosing people, weather it be in death or loosing friendships, loosing relationships, a fear of loosing animals, of loosing those babies that I have worked so hard for these past 18yrs and I somehow along there, I forgot that it is God that completely holds everything. That it is He that gives and takes.
Fear in a person brings on a perplexing snare, a snare that disturbs our peace, an entangling snare, by which we are drawn into sin (and) therefore, it must be striven and prayed against. Tribulation, distress, and persecution cannot take away God's love to/for us. I (we) need to fear Him at all times. For it is He who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
I often need to remind myself that the way of a person is not in himself, nor in our friend's hands, nor in our enemies' hands, but in God's. In this faith and confidence that we should pray like David did that the Lord would save him for his mercies’ sake, and not for any merit of his own. (Psalm 31:14 But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” )
I also need to remember the Lord’s hand in the act of providence. Providence takes notice of the meanest creatures, even of the sparrows, and Providence likewise takes interest in the smallest interests of the disciples of Christ.
I must admit that that there are times that I stop and chuckle at myself for my own human stupidity. Because, even though the Lord has brought me down a path in life that time and time again has made me cling to Him for survival, I still find myself straying.
Those that truly love God, may triumph in Him as their Rock and Refuge, and may call upon Him with confidence. It is good to always observe all the circumstances that surround that of a mercy which magnify the power and strength of God, and His goodness to us in it. God will not only deliver us out of our troubles in due time, but he will bear us up under our troubles in the mean time. (Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.)
Its one of those things that I sit back and say to myself “You silly Dawn! You know better! You‘ve been through all of this giving it up to the Lord and trusting stuff before! Oh ye of little remembrance! Wilt thou ever learn??”
I'm finding out that God seems to bring us through things multiple times so that we can learn and remember the lessons on a new level. This time around, this lesson hit home on a different note than usual. . .
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)
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